Changing what I read changed the trajectory of my life
And what I'm learning about my relationship with my younger self (and "inner child work")
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Hi friend,
I started reading self-help books when I was 10 years old. It all began with the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. The first one was released thirty years ago, in 1993, and became a #1 New York Times bestseller. It was filled with essays and poems revealing people’s personal stories and inspirational takeaways. Big experiences, big feelings, big questions, big ideas. I read it a couple years after it first came out and was instantly hooked.
Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul came out in January 1999, which is when I just happened to be thirteen. By this point, I had read a couple other books in their series. But I’d also discovered their online content, basically lived on their private forums, and was connecting with young people around the world over some pretty serious topics. Discussions of family/friend issues, depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicidal ideation were all there. “TW” (trigger warning) was seen at the top of most new posts.
I don’t think I’ve ever shared this with anyone before. And I don’t know what any of this says about me: the fact that I was diving into these topics at such a young age, or that I didn’t tell anyone in my real life this is how I was spending my evenings (until now). I know I was lonely. Being the oldest kid in my family by 8 and 10 years, I felt pretty invisible in my early teens (and probably isolated myself even further). I had a lot of responsibilities at that age (or really, all ages). I didn’t like myself very much, and didn’t think anyone else liked me very much (or even wanted to know me). I also started drinking when I was 13. Summed up: I grew up too quickly. And I didn’t feel I had a voice in most environments, but I could read other people’s stories and speak my truth online—anonymously. It was my safe space for a few years, and despite what I might think about that series of books (and their executive leadership team today, yikes) I’m grateful I had it.
At the same time, when I reflect on all of this, I also feel a bit sad for my younger self. Sad I was spending so much time thinking about these topics, sure… but also sad that I stopped engaging in age-appropriate content and conversations when I was so young. When I should’ve been discovering YA (or Harry Potter, which I didn’t read until I was an adult), I was reading books like GO ASK ALICE. Real stories. Sad stories. Stories that helped me feel less alone.
I’ve been reading since before I can remember, and have always loved books. By the age of 5, I had created a system to turn my small collection into a little free library the other kids in our subsidized housing complex could borrow from. A young girl growing up in the 90s, I read all the usuals: Sweet Valley Twins, The Babysitter’s Club, Nancy Drew, and so on. But once I’d found real people’s stories, I gave them all up—and didn’t read anything a teen in the 90s might have enjoyed either. This isn’t abnormal, when you grow up too quickly: giving up what you loved as a kid, that is. But what’s interesting is that I didn’t just stop reading age-appropriate books… I also started hiding my self-help books. The story I told myself about both was that people would think I was [insert words like stupid, dumb, lame, etc.] for liking what I liked. So, I hid it all.
This was the beginning of a pattern of hiding what I liked, as well as pretending to like whatever other people were interested in. It was a lonely pattern that left me in a lot of situations and relationships with people who didn’t see me or accept me, because I didn’t want to do anything that might result in being disliked or abandoned. (I even went so far as to downplay my work and the success of my books, while dating, because I was meeting men who looked down upon personal development.) Thankfully, this shifted during the pandemic…
As is often the case for me, making a change started by first noticing that something I was doing didn’t feel good and trying to understand why. In this instance, it was reading contemporary fiction written for adults. I started noticing that everything felt heavy—and that it was taking me weeks, even months, to finish a single book. It took most of 2020 for me to figure out why reading had stopped feeling easy and enjoyable: most of the books I was choosing were essentially just fictionalized stories about real-life adult problems. The world had enough of those in 2020, and I was still in the early stages of healing from my own trauma. I didn’t want to read about adult problems. I wanted stories! Stories that felt light and playful… with some kind of adventure. But what would I read!? This is when I got the idea to check out what was being written for kids.
The next time I went to the library, I walked past the adult half of the room and went straight for the middle grade (ages 9-12) section instead. The first book I picked up was THE GREAT HIBERNATION by Tara Dairman. “What would happen if every grown-up in town fell asleep and the kids were left in charge?” I didn’t know but I wanted to find out! It ended up being everything I’d been craving, and I devoured it in a few sittings. Then I borrowed a book I had gifted to one of my “nieces” (the first in the PAGES & CO. series) and devoured that too. Then I borrowed a few more from the library, and a few more, and a few more. I eventually started adding early reader/chapter books (ages 6-8), and even some picture books to the stacks I was bringing home.
Interestingly (for me), I didn’t hide the fact that I was reading kids’ books. I guess I couldn’t, because I was living with my dad and sister during the pandemic. So they saw what I was bringing home from the library. But I didn’t want to hide it, anyway. I told my friends about it. I shared pictures of what I was reading on Instagram. Part of me felt as though I’d found an answer to a problem I’d seen many people discussing online since early 2020: not being able to focus on, or finish, a book. For me: kids’ books resolved that! And made reading fun again! I wanted everyone to know! What I didn’t know (and couldn’t have imagined) is that kids’ books would end up being one of the things that would connect me with my future partner, the person you know as Tall Man. ☺️