The liminal is limitless
The Moving Out Diaries: Vol. 3
Hi friend,
I turned 40 on Monday and I danced by myself in the garden that afternoon. This isn’t a birthday post, but it’s also not not a birthday post. It’s an entry in my moving diaries, and it’s a little bit about my birthday. Because based on what’s been happening at The Lighthouse recently, I can’t seem to separate the two.
Like on Monday, when I found myself dancing in the garden. That wasn’t something I decided to do because it was my birthday. It came on the back of another decision, which was that I wanted to try working out outside. I had only thought of this a few days before, after walking around and realizing just how private my garden here really is. No one would be able to see me! I texted Sasha. “Literally no one!” she replied.
So on Monday, after coming home from my weekend getaway with Tall Man, I brought my phone (for YouTube) and water bottle outside, propped things up on a chair, and did an hour-long cardio workout in the sun. And when I was done, I turned on a video I’d saved the week before: shuffling for beginners.
I’ve been curious about shuffling for a while. I have NEVER been a dancer or taken a dance class or even attempted one single TikTok dance (maybe because I’ve also never had a TikTok account). I did, however, spend many weekends in my teens dancing at secret raves hidden deep in the woods while high on ecstasy lol. I can type “lol” and laugh about it now, because I’m 13 years sober and lived to tell these tales. I can also laugh because drunk/high Cait is the exact opposite of whatever my “brand” is. Can you even imagine hanging out with that version of me today!? I wouldn’t want to go back to those times, but I did love dancing for hours and hours… and shuffling feels like the closest thing to what we were doing at raves. Could I learn how to shuffle!? is a question I’ve been asking myself for a few weeks, especially after finding the Shuffle Mamas on Instagram and feeling so much joy just watching them! On my 40th birthday, I decided to try.
I don’t know how it looked, but I know how it felt: fun and free—especially doing it in the garden. And that wasn’t just true of the dancing, but the workout too. It was so much more energizing in the sun! Why have I never done this before!? It’s a tough question to ask yourself, when you’re coming to the end of a chapter in your life. It has the potential to fill you with regrets. But I think I want to bring a version of this question with me into the future…
If you’re new here: hi, my name is Cait. I’m 39 years old (just turned 40!) and I’ve moved 31 times in my life. My last move was into my first home in the UK, which I named The Lighthouse. I’ve lived here for over 3 years, which is the longest I’ve stayed anywhere as an adult. I love this house and love the version of myself I became here. (I love it so much, I named my newsletter after it!) It’s simply time for a new chapter. Before I start writing that one, I want to close my chapter at The Lighthouse with intention. I don’t want to rush towards what’s in front of me. I want to reflect on all this house meant to me, and do this 32nd move slowly… and document it too.
Welcome to The Moving Out Diaries. This is Volume 3: The liminal is limitless.
I’m in the really awkward stage of decluttering and moving right now. I’ve sold almost all of the big pieces of furniture already, which feels like a huge relief. But as of yesterday, the only “seat” I have left in The Lighthouse is the couch. So much has changed that the rooms don’t serve the same purposes they did just a few weeks ago. The dining room/office is just a table covered in boxes and things that need to be packed up. The guest room is completely empty. And the living room is where I now need to do basically everything other than sleep. Because I don’t have any other chairs, I have to work here and eat here. I’ve also filled 3 of the 4 corners in this room with boxes/items going to different places: TM’s house, charity shops, and back to IKEA1. It is an organized mess. And, it has also helped me see the house in new ways.
The guest room, as an example, is no longer a guest room. It is empty. A blank canvas. And, I will go so far as to say it might be the brightest room in The Lighthouse. I’m not entirely sure how, considering it faces only west, whereas a room like the kitchen gets light from the east, south, and west. But somehow, the guest room shines bright all day long—and is also the best place to watch the sunset. And I’ve never spent time in it.
Last week, I walked in to look out the window at one of those sunsets, then decided to lay on the floor. Then I got the idea to stretch in this room before bed, and brought my yoga mat in. As I laid on the mat, I looked up and around and thought about all the ideas I’d had for this room. It was a guest room, and I’m grateful I was able to host my friends here. But I’d also thought about turning it into an office. Or a mini home gym. Or even swapping rooms and moving my bedroom to the back of the house, so I could lay in bed and watch the walls change colour to match whatever the sky was doing each night. My decisions to not do any of those things were intentional. I have no regrets. But with a blank canvas, I can see all of my ideas more clearly again. And when I feel inspired to stretch out on the floor now, I am choosing to do that too.
I’m going through a lot of big life changes this summer. Starting and ending many chapters in my life. Like moving out of The Lighthouse and into TM’s house. Going from living alone (for most of my adult life) to living with a partner and two kids. Being in my 30s to being in my 40s. Right now, I feel as though I’m in the transition stage of it all. Where I’m not living the way I was anymore, but not living the way I will be in the future yet. This is a liminal space. And these spaces, or periods of time, can sometimes feel challenging to live through. Where you’ve lost the tether to what was familiar or routine, and everything feels uncertain or unmoored. I’ve had moments where I feel annoyed and want the house to feel “normal” again, and others where I want to get this move over with and start figuring out what life will look like on the other side.
I’m not taking action on any of those feelings. Instead, the only one I’m trying to pay attention to is inspiration. The inspiration to try new things in this space and time! Like doing my workouts in the garden. And spending more time in the guest room. And potentially moving my mattress in there, at least for my last few nights. (Just got that idea this morning, and I think I’m into it!) I’m not doing these things because I want to change anything about myself, or become a different person. I’m just in the liminal space! And it feels fun and free.
It is limitless.
It’s a great energy to start my 40s with. And I want to enjoy it, because one thing is certain: it is fleeting.
xx Cait
To celebrate my 40th birthday, I’m currently offering a 30% discount on paid subscriptions. With the discount, the price of a paid subscription is £25/year, which is about $34 USD or $45 CAD. It’s available from now until July 14th! All paid subscribers will be invited to our final live guided journalling session, on Sunday, July 20th at 8am PT/11am ET/4pm UK! I hope to see you there ☺️
More from The Moving Out Diaries…
I’ll say more about this in next week’s moving out diary entry, but did you know IKEA has a buyback program? I didn’t! It is incredible, and actually makes me happy I bought so many things from them when I was first setting up The Lighthouse.
I love the approach to embrace liminal space for listening to inspiration. I struggle in these transitional periods, too, and this feels like a good way to let go of the need to get things ~under control.~
And happy birthday!
Happy birthday!! 🥳 Thanks for a fun read!