My two polite countries

🏡 The Shape of Home: Small Talk

Hi friend,

Since getting here, I’ve only seen two friends in Victoria—both on the same day. On Friday morning, I went for coffee with my oldest friend. Later that night, I met one of my other oldest friends for hot chocolate. In-between, I’d been noticing something about all the interactions I’d had with strangers since getting off the plane…

“I’m going to sound like a jerk for saying this, but why is everyone so chatty here!?”

“What do you mean?” she asked, so I gave her a few examples. Like just that morning, a stranger stopped to chat with me outside a coffee shop and made a weird joke that I didn’t understand. Then I was in the corner shop, looking at the outrageous prices of Greek yogurt, and another customer came up and told me which one was his favourite and wished me luck in choosing. It had been like this with almost everyone I’d crossed paths with. In fact, the first person I talked to was the woman at the rental car desk at YYJ airport. I walked away from that interaction with keys + the history of all the cars she’s owned in the last decade.

“It just feels like EVERYONE wants to make small talk! And sometimes it’s nice, but sometimes it’s kind of annoying!”

(To be clear: I also kind of hated myself for saying this, lol.)

“Nothing has changed here,” she said with a laugh. “This is what people do. So you’re the one whose different now!” And I knew she was right.

People don’t do this in England. I’ve lived there for over 4 years now, and I can’t remember a point when I first learned this—or when I officially adapted to it—but the Brits would never do small talk the way we do it in Canada. You can talk about the weather (best if it’s a gentle complaint about bad weather, even sunny days can be complained about). You could maybe talk about something like a TV show or travel plans. But you don’t ask personal questions. You don’t share too many details about your own life. You don’t say anything that could be identified as vulnerable or establish emotional intimacy. The social norm is to be polite but also distanced.