It's a new year and I'm tired
What is/isn’t working for you, at the start of this year?
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Hi friend,
We’re one week into the new year and I’m tired. I woke up with a scratchy throat on New Year’s Day, and have spent the first 9 days of 2024 fighting off a virus. It felt even worse than the case of COVID I had before Christmas, which I had previously described as “brutal.” Currently, it is off my throat and now on my chest, and begs to be coughed out all day and night. (Did I mention I’m tired?)
Adding this to the list of random health things I’ve had come up since August, my first wish for 2024 is simply that I want to feel healthier. That’s not to say I don’t have goals for this year. Next week, you’ll see I have a very long list of them. Goals, tasks, hopes, dreams… and creative ideas. I’m just starting this second week of the year feeling grateful to be in less pain than I was in last week, and grateful this particular illness is moving through me (albeit, slowly). If I can get to the end of 2024 and say it was a healthier year, it will be good enough!
And if not? Then I hope I can be present with whatever comes up. I hope I can learn from something I did (or did not do) this year, and reach out to medical professionals for help sooner. I hope I can lean on others more, in general, and not assume I need to handle everything on my own. More broadly, I hope I can remember: it’s safe to not have answers. It’s safe to be in-process.
I’m not one for new year’s resolutions. The only time I can remember setting one was in my early twenties, when I resolved to not drink alcohol for an entire year. I didn’t make it to the end of January. Of course, quitting drinking was an idea that remained top of mind for me, and is a decision I did ultimately make for myself—and I’ve been sober for 11 years now. But I didn’t resolve to stop drinking on January 1st. One day, I just knew I was done.
I may not like making resolutions, but I do love setting up goals/experiments and challenging myself to make big life changes. Think: paying off $30,000 CAD ($23,000 USD, £18,000) of consumer debt, setting out to do a shopping ban for a year then doing it for two, quitting my job to pursue self-employment (nearly 9 years ago now), giving up my home to travel full-time and then later moving to a new country. Plus, working toward a long list of physical/wellbeing goals, over the years. Quitting drinking (or choosing to be a person in the world who does not drink alcohol) could perhaps be considered one of them.
I don’t like making big life changes because there’s a promise of something better ahead. Or worse: because I feel bad about myself and think a change will make me better in some way. I do them—and am successful with many of them—because I’m paying attention. Paying attention to what I do and how I feel about it: physically, mentally, emotionally. Paying attention to the stories I tell myself. Paying attention to the words coming out of my mouth. Paying attention to my current relationship with the thing I’m considering making a change around, as well as how it might impact my relationships with other people.
By paying attention, I will eventually get an idea—a very specific idea—for a challenge I want to try or change I want to make. There’s still an often-lengthy period of time where I process my thoughts, feelings, and fears about making that change. (I outline this in the first section of my second book, ADVENTURES IN OPTING OUT.) Depending on how big the change is, this could take weeks or months or even years. But eventually, I come to a point where I’m ready to begin. I suppose that could happen on January 1st, some year in the future. Historically, though, I make a change whenever I’m finally a little more excited about what might be possible than I am afraid about what could go wrong.
I used to feel frustrated by how long it would sometimes take for me to get there; to make a decision and be ready to begin. Over the years, though, I’ve grown to appreciate my process. It’s incredibly personal and intentional. It helps me create a plan for myself—one I know will actually work with/for me and my personality. And it has led to long-term changes in many areas of my life.
It also means I can’t be “sold” a promise or solution by anyone else. That feels like a muscle worth exercising and strengthening, especially this time of year.
We know how important sleep is, and that the list of negative side effects of losing sleep is long. One thing that always happens to me when I’m tired: I’m a little edgier. A little sharper with my words and more impulsive in my actions. There are certainly ways this can (and has) come with negative consequences. And, this week I was reminded that this kind of edginess also has a powerful ability: it can show us what does/doesn’t work for us.
All the usual topics around reflection + goal/intention-setting for the new year are not working for me1.
I felt it whenever people shared the free 2023/2024 journalling workbooks they were going through. Or whenever I saw posts about choosing a word of the year. Or the 30-day challenges people were starting on January 1st, or bigger goals they were setting for the year ahead. Internally, I’ve felt an aversion to it all. There’s been a mix of exhaustion, a little bit of cynicism, and a big no-thank-you. Or “NI” as I like to say, which means: Not. Interested.
That last statement might sound confident, but the reality is that I sometimes find it challenging to not do what the majority of my friends and peers are doing. It feels uncomfortable, almost like I’m in opposition to them. There’s a fear that they’ll think I’m making a judgment about their choices, or that our differences will cause a disagreement or disruption in our relationship for some reason. (Hello, can you tell I’m a recovering codependent people-pleaser!?) But it’s actually a really healthy and positive position to take: to know what’s true for you, and to be able to communicate this with others. Knowing this also makes it easier to look past the content that might be trying to influence you, and turn toward yourself instead.
I don’t have all the answers for why I’m feeling this particular aversion. It does feel aligned with the headspace I’ve been in since the summer, when I stopped journalling and then gave up on “the year of more.” I’m also noticing the rebellious side of me come out, which doesn’t want to do what anyone else is doing. I want to reflect and set goals/intentions my way.
For now, I’m simply paying attention to the aversion. Paying attention to what’s coming up for me. Paying attention to the stories I’m telling myself and others. And thinking about what’s true for me.
New year’s resolutions? NI, not for me. Word of the year? Not for me. Starting an experiment or making a change when I feel ready? That’s for me.
xx Cait
What are you paying attention to right now, friend? What are you noticing in yourself? And what is/isn’t working for you, at the start of this year?
You don’t need to have any answers to these questions. It’s safe to simply be.
I’ve been so annoyed by this topic, I almost didn’t write this newsletter! I thought I would just skip it altogether, pretend it’s not happening! But it is, and it comes back around at the start of every calendar year. And actually, the first few weeks of any new year could be a great time to start practicing saying: this isn’t for me. Then moving toward what is. ☺️
This is me. My answer to "what is/are your NY resolution(s)?" has been the same for about five years now, and it's the only resolution I've ever made and kept: no more NY resolutions.
I do on occasion find a word that hits me well as I ponder things. One that seems to tie things together for me...like "create" has been rolling around in my head. In an encouraging way vs a goal or demand or expectation.
Mostly I like when you said this:
It's safe to be in-process.
Thank you for sharing your brain with us.
I'm new to Substack, reading, reading, trying to figure out what I'm doing. I feel the way you do, really gagging on all the New Years prompts. I feel rather cynical, jaded but there's just so much that like you said was never my idea in the first place. Another NI woman. LA